after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
