dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
