At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
