We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In other news, I just burned my penis
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
