Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
