youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
