So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
