Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
