insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
