Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
