mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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