I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
