dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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