you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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