Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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