I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
