I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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