things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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