Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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