My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
