If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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