The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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