Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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