My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
