your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
