Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
