Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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