bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
