I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
