I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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