wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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