I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
