Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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