Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just high enough for therapy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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