If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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