You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
