My friends, they love my intelligence
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
