I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
