I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
