I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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