note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
