Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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