I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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