she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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