Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
