There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
