You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
