I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
