I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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