I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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