i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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