Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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