I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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